Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
