I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
