I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
