You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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