what day is it and did you see me today?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
