He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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