omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
