and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
