i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
