hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
