I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
