why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
