i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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