my soul wont recognize me after tonight
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
