You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I have already put on my inside pants.
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