The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
