I just pynch a tree in the face
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
