I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
