Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
people are starting to question the shark bite story
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
