this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
