Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
