I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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