There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
