I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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