Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
