God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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