he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
