remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
