I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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