i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
