cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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