so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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