We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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