Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
