You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
