Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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