Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
