I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
