cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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