I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
