I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
