...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
