Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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