Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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