This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So. Much. Porn.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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