at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
