Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
