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I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
