the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
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