4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
