apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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